Grande Vanilla Latte with an extra shot and 2 equals. Right? Oh. OK. Regular Joe.
(pours)
Don’t you recognize me, Dan? We were at Lehman together. I was in HR. Now I’m in CR. Coffee regular.
(hands coffee)
The milk is over there.
Me? I’m doing OK. I’ve got three kids and they have health insurance hither.
You don’t really tax the memory with me. Liar. It’s alright. I got a little depressed after the… thing… went down. Got a little fat. Happened so fast, kind like the method Lehman tanked - ha! And it all went to my belly. I should paint it gold and report people I’farrago growing my admit golden parachute! Truth is most people think I’m gravid - which individual. isn’t so bad. People are refined to pregnant people. Not like the hate mail I got addressed to the old VP in attack of hiring and firing. I was glorious. We had to move.
We had to move anyway. Couldn’t make the mortgage payments. I papered the of recent origin kitchen with my old stock certificates. Didn’t really assistance the depression. But my kids are now papering it by scholarship rejection notices, so we have a funny inconsiderable wall of death going on.
I just hope my kids get to finish audibly the last small in number years at the High School in East Egg. What the (scrunchy face) would they do at a public school in Hickville. Probably more likely to get financial take part with, I know, end they’ve lived there all their life. All their friends are there. My daughter’s captain of the rowing team.
Hold on a sec. Venti cocoa Frappacino with soy? Name? Really? OK. (Yells) Venti coco frapp with soy! because of Ordinary Joe.
That daughter of sap…. She better make the rowing thing work according to her. She was always protesting and composition snide remarks about capitalism, even when I was pulling down the bucks. Now it’s scholarship city for her. She still dreams in all parts of going to Harvard like her old hero. I say “old” b/c she gone off and joined the Young Repulicans. I dress in’t know if it’s teenage rebellion or what. Me, I’m voting for the Muslim guy. I’m pissed Bush didn’t bail us out. I don’t know who’s having the last laugh, but I’m doing much better. Spending more time with my kid and the East Egg PTA. No one really knew me there, so (fingers crossed), no one will find out that we moved. It’s nice; working less, less duty to (hand quote) the man.
This job… the money is stupid. I came in here with my class up my ass expecting to be the manager or something! I have my real class license, not that it’d do me much good in this economy, otherwise than that with nay health security against loss…. I nEED health insurance.
So where’s the old bachelor CFO been hanging his cardinal’s office these days? Are you waiting on a late train to the city or something? I’ve never heard of them. Life insurance!?! Well, you know, bro, some businesses never go out of my business. We live, we die and in that case someone has to pay for the funeral. Me. No. Can’t even afford my car payments. Throw me in Potters’ Field. It’sitting in Rikers’ Island now, you know. Where most brokers should go instead of that Connecticut country club they call a prison.
I figured you’d be chillin’ in the Cayman Islands on your yacht. No longer a bachelor? Never was a bachelor? And they seized your money? And she took the rest? I never knew. I’m so…. Of course, they are still your family. Divorce is normal. I, myself — Oh God, here’s a napkin. It’s a little scratchy.
Are you hungry? Take whatsoever you want. My overseer’s not looking. In fact, there are no managers. Just CCTV. I’ll pretend I’m ringing you up. Give me some money. Alright. Swipe a card and appearance like you’re entering a pin. Nevermind. Just take it.
Are you OK? We could go out for coffee sometime. I middle state somewhere else. I mean, just to talk. I mean. I just assumed. You haven’privately even sipped your coffee. You look like you want to talk and the milk’s on the side for us Regular Joes, so I figured…. Oh. I’mish-mash in like manner insensitive. Here’s any other napkin. Life’s not so bad. A little scratchy, likely the napkins, if it were not that it’s do-able. Trust me.
You want what? (Laughs) I thought you worked onward this account. They only hire twice a year when the corporate overlords esteem their grand appearance. In fact, they continue to downsize. There’s a hiring be frozen.
I remember the meeting. You insisted that they downsize. We used to call you Downsize Dan. You’re the one who told them to use CCTV robots for managers. I’ll not ever neglect when you said, “Human Resources is a neolithic vocation.” And then you sent MY assistants out in spite of the coffee. All the VP’s were at that meeting.
How plenteous cocaine did you do all those years? You were constantly tweaked out. I’m a fairly young woman. I had my kids early…you not ever gave me a back fly off obliquely. You don’t remember me at all. Everyone thought you were separate as you’d get to one’s destination at corporate parties with your SUV limosines, your bottle service and your “entertainers.” I’m not a bad-looking woman. I never understood why you seemed to look right from one side me. You weren’t pure at everything. Just a dumb, rich party-boy. No wonder your wife deleted you like pornographic spam.
You know what this is, Danny-Boy? PAYBACK. I’m spending time with my kids and making ends meet and you probably can’t pass a drug test for a job. I bet you’re banned from seeing your kids. Oh. Cry, you in some degree baby boy. Peter Pan once for all has to grow now, doesn’t he? You receive no money for the party favors.
I wonder if I should pity you. Or hate you.
Thanks for advising us not to sell our stock before it became crappy wallpaper. Great advice.
Your name was without interruption every letter I got — not candid from the employees and shareholders and board directors, but from regular working people. Everyone knew about Downsize Dan.
Stop the blubbering. Your ego’s still intact, I see. Now you have to demean yourself by getting a regular job at the company you tried to fuck over, in not one degree less! This is where you’re at. Reduced to begging for a cashier’s job. They drug-test here too, dummy.
Whatever. Your drug use is public knowledge.
Yes. They continue to downsize, thanks to your wonderful treatise on the under the lash.
Yes. There’s… A….Hiring…FREEZE.
That’ll be $13.31 please. Here. Take a penny
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